The moment one of the people took one of the truths to himself, called it his truth, and tried to live his life by it, he became a grotesque and the truth he embraced became a falsehood.
Sherwood Anderson, The Book of the GrotesqueIt's a timely warning for me. While I may not have become a grotesque quite yet, I've been compressing myself into a little convoluted ball of stress lately because I've been so obsessed with determining whether it's possible for me to live a fulfilling life here in Japan. Ha! What a question! Is it possible for us to live a fulfilling life anywhere?! Only time will tell. At any rate, February 1 has been looming on the horizon for me--the date I have to decide if I want to recontract for another year from next August (6 months later!). How should I know how I'll feel 6 months later?!
Anyhow, the way I see it is this: can I grow, learn, enjoy life, find love, and make at least some small contribution to humanity while here in Japan? If not, why live so far from my loved ones back home?
My job has improved considerably this year (not really ideal, but better) and my love life has miraculously been resurrected from the grave. The thing is I was so obsessed with being sure about staying here, that I've been placing way too much pressure on my romantic interests trying to figure out if it really is possible to have a committed same-sex relationship in Japan. Poor guys! They must think I'm crazy. I was, I guess. Temporarily insane. Anyway, hopefully I haven't inflicted any fatal injury on my newly forming friendships.
Things take time, and what we want and who we are changes day to day. How can we expect anyone else to be certain about things we can't be certain about ourselves?
I've been so obsessed about holding on to some rigid concept of who I am: what kind of work is right for me, what environment is best for me, what life I want, what kind of relationship I need... Of course, we shouldn't ignore our feelings and instincts, but maybe we limit ourselves by not considering other possibilities. Flexibility is one of the best characteristics of humans--when we can manage it anyway.
Compound all of this with 3 weeks of jet-lag, sleep deprivation, and migraines, and it's a wonder I haven't completely lost it. (I suppose if I had, I'd be the last to know though. 笑)
I'm going to stay. I've been sitting on the fence for too long. I really do love it here. Who knows if it's the right choice? You've got to decide something. Might as well decide to be open to what might come, even if it might not...